So, I was reading my posts from last semester, and noticed how they became frequent, kind of manic, and very nonsensical as the semester wore on. I'm feeling about the same right now, kind of like I'm standing at the top of a cliff, trying as hard as I can to convince myself that diving off is a good idea. Once I jump off, there's no real stopping, and I'll start going faster and faster until I finally hit. That sounds overly dramatic, and believe me, I know there are very real things going on that are leap years more important, serious, and life-changing than law school finals. Those are the things that make it scary to make the leap, because bills tend to be paid late, laundry doesn't get done, phone calls go unreturned, and it is all I can do to feed my cat, let alone myself. It makes me worry that I won't be able to function as a lawyer (unless I get a househusband or at least a housekeeper) if it's anything like this time of year.
So, instead of jumping, I'm standing at the top, wavering (and wasting a lot of precious time). Part of me is also really nervous about living up to last semester (I don't think it's possible that I'll do that well again across the board, and that makes me scared to try!). I have never experienced such crippling procrastination, denial or self-destructive (academically speaking) behavior! I've been ignoring my work, just kind of writing endless to do lists (see my last post), and getting overwhelmed by everything.
I've always been a procrastinator in the past, but I've always gotten everything I needed to get done done. There was never a questions of letting some of the less important things slide off the list. Just not finishing things is sort of not in my personality. But, I can't seem to help it! I'm basically doing the bare minimum that is required, graded, counts. Otherwise, I'm watching American Idol, and sleeping in.
And yet, everyone around me seems to be in the same position. People are skipping class, having (real) breakdowns, drinking too much and generally falling apart at the seams. I have never seen more sweatpants in my class than this week. I keep hearing people say "If no one is doing any work, then maybe the curve won't be bad."
Again, sorry for the overly dramatic tone of this post, it's just sort of an anthropological mystery to me - how much can we take? How soon before someone starts crying in class (I KNOW it's coming), screaming at the coffee barista who sings happy songs every morning (I love her), or tosses a laptop out the window? Why are we all doing this to ourselves? Why are we paying $150,000 for the privilege? Can you actually fail out of law school? Why didn't I become a kindergarten teacher, live in a cottage, have a garden, bake cookies and spend the summers writing happy books for children about rainbows and sparkles and leprechauns?
3 comments:
I think part of law school's function is to teach you to separate the critical stuff (finals) from the stuff you can half-ass. Because almost no one can give 110% on each little thing. So don't sweat it; just focus on getting mentally healthy, and make that last big push while you're studying for the exams. It'll turn out OK.
What's this? Are you abandoning me all alone with my bakery fantasies?
I think you need to take a few deep breaths, clear your mind and maybe even have a good little cry or scream to let some tension out if you need to. You have everything laid out for you in your lists. Now just think calm, rational, positive thoughts and get them done the best you can. Sometimes you just have to go a little crazy so that you can get it all back together. So when you get your coffee tomorrow sing a little song with the barista (or in your head) and let me know if I can help you with anything.
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